Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Have A Happy.

So I was in the restroom a few minutes ago and someone left on the ledge part of the paper (the part that covers the adhesive) from a sanitary napkin. After my initial gross-out that someone didn't completely throw away all remnants of their sanitary endeavor I noticed there was writing on the paper. It said, courtesy of Always, "Have a Happy Period."

My first reaction, after puzzling over the fact that someone in the marketing department of Always actually thought an affirmation printed to the back of a sanitary napkin would assuage womens' painful cycles, was, "Oh, how sweet, someone left that there for the next person in this stall to read, hoping they too would have a happy day (period or no.) How very thoughtful. And who says women are bitchy when they're on their periods?

So there you have it. Always just trumped Dove Promises for the weird affirmation prize.
No doubt someone is out there with a website detailing the pithy quotes of sanitary products the world over. Just remember you read it here first.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

How to Get Free Books, CDs, and Movies from Focus on the Family—Thereby Taking Money out of the Pockets of Anti-Gay Bigots—in 12 Easy Steps

In my never-ending quest to find immature ways to piss off the right wingnuts, I've discovered this tidbit, thanks to The Stranger.

This is so cool. I just ordered over $300 worth of crap, some of which I will sell on Amazon.com. The pleasure in knowing I took money from those godbags thrills me to no end.

Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Disordered Government Stuck in Time Warp

News flash! PENTAGON LISTS HOMOSEXUALITY AS DISORDER. "A Pentagon document classifies homosexuality as a mental disorder, decades after mental health experts abandoned that position." The article further states "Pentagon spokesman Lt. Col. Jeremy M. Martin said the policy document is under review." Yeah, like for the past 50 years? Read the whole sordid story by clicking the link above. Nice to know our government is so forward thinking.

Monday, June 05, 2006

The New and Improved Batwoman!

I just read that Batwoman is being resurrected by DC comics, this time as a lesbian. I should be thrilled. Up to now, my lesbian comic book heroes (with the exception of Hothead Paisan) have been on the wimpy side (Jane of Jane's World, Mo of Dykes to Watch Out For) But Batwoman as a lesbian is just wrong. It's another typical male fantasy version of a lesbian. Really, how many dykes have you ever seen who can be described as "5-foot-10... with flowing red hair, knee-high red boots with spiked heels, and a form-fitting black outfit?" OK, so I'm sure there are plenty of dominatrix types who fit the bill but in the real world I like my superheroes nerdy and wearing sensible shoes. Bring on the spiky haired smarty! That's someone I can stand behind. Besides, Hothead Paisan could kick Batwoman's latex ass any day.

Monday, January 09, 2006

Don't Forget Your Towel

So it's the second week of the new year and I'm all ready to become the "new me!" You know, the one I've been working on for the past 20 years or so, the one who joins the gym in January and quits, exhausted, about mid-March. It's become an annual ritual of mine.

My wife loves me the way I am and doesn't give a fuck about my ever-growing midsection she endearingly refers to as my "baby." But I just can't take another year of feeling like shit and I'm determined to do it this time.

So it's my first day and I've already worked up a sweat just getting up the stairs to the gym. My anxiety is in full swing. But I press on, determined. I make it through the door and maneuver my way through a maze of sweaty equipment in search of my first stop on The Humiliation Express - the locker room. Face red, eyes averted, I scan the room for an empty locker. I come dangerously close to several half-dressed women on my search for a locker. I get dressed, work out without injuring or embarrassing myself and head back to the locker room, where I can achieve yet more humiliation, this time in the shower area.

In an increasingly heightened state of anxiety, I quickly undress, nearly flinging with my foot my now sweat-soaked underthings across the locker room. Keeping my head down low in the universal I'm-a-lesbian-so-I-must-keep-my-eyes-averted pose, I head to the shower, and quickly discover that I can't get the water turned on. Great, I'm naked, I'm sweaty and now I have to ask someone how to operate something a 4 year old has full command of. I look around and see an older, sort of out-of-shape woman and ask her for help. I figure she's fairly safe and won't judge me too harshly. After she looks at me pitifully she assists me and goes on her way, secretly mocking me for my pathetic pick-up line.

The shower goes well, I'm safe in the enclosed stall, and now I must face the ultimate challenge of the day. Getting out of the shower, drying off and returning to the locker room where I can dress and get the hell out of this horrible nightmare. Easy enough, right? Not so fast there, my portly pumpkin. The lockers are THAT way! Yep, first day at the gym, and I do a wrong turn right back out to the gym floor covered only in a towel (and only partially convered at that!) Luckily the shower had perked me right up and I was able to haul my ass back to the relative safety of the locker room with nary a stranger catching sight of my ghastly figure.

Ah, the joys of exercise. Let the new year begin.

Monday, October 17, 2005


So, I'm walking back from lunch today when I almost step in this huge pile of poo. Huge, like people-sized. Then I look down at it and see that there is a tiny flag sticking out of the poo. A flag with a picture of Bush. Excellent. I don't even want to know if the poo came from the same guy who stuck the flag there.

Saturday, August 20, 2005

Here's to laughing

You're a Hyena!

You have quite a sense of humor, though many others find it derisive
rather than appealing. You are perceived as being a coward, but actually have moments
of great bravery and have even stood up to those much larger than yourself. You like
hanging out in groups and are always making a lot of noise. Disney thinks you are an

Take the Animal Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

The Book That I Am (thanks Micaela)

You're Catch-22!

by Joseph Heller

Incredibly witty and funny, you have a taste for irony in all that you
see. It seems that life has put you in perpetually untenable situations, and your sense
of humor is all that gets you through them. These experiences have also made you an
ardent pacifist, though you present your message with tongue sewn into cheek. You
could coin a phrase that replaces the word "paradox" for millions of

Take the Book Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

Friday, April 29, 2005

Old Ladies Rock!

An 80 year old woman carried her neighbor out of a burning apartment yesterday, shrugging off accolades. She stated simply there was "nothing to it." We should all be so heroic as this "spunky little character."

America! Smurf Yeah!

Here's an awesome parody of the super barfy video I mentioned in my previous post.

The Love Child of Alice Cooper and that dude from REO Speedwagon

There is a reason I don't do drugs any more. It's because I'm afraid of seeing weird visions like this! Or maybe if I did do drugs I'd apreciate it more. Surely this is a joke, you say. Ah, but it's not. This is the Real America. Love It Or Leave It. Pass the Maalox, please.

Here's an article by the wonderful Mark Morford, who turned me onto this bizarre video. Enjoy! Scariest Music Video ... Ever
Meet Dennis Madalone. He loves America. Really, *really* loves America. Oh, and sad '80s haircuts. Watch and learn

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Find The Pope In The Pizza

Yowza! As if the old pope wasn't dangerous enough, now we have an even more conservative old gown wearer in the Vatican. He claims the greatest threat to Christianity is...Buddhism! Yeah, you really have to watch out for those scary pacifist non-believers.
As recovering Catholics, the wife and I will be celebrating the new chosen one by eating pizza tonight at Buca di Beppo!

Monday, March 14, 2005

Whee!! It's A Great Day To Be Gay!

Judge Strikes Down California Marriage Law

The San Francisco Superior Court ruled today that gays and lesbians have a constitutional right to marry. This doesn't mean that my marriage, performed last year during the height of the hoopla, is now suddenly valid but it will pave the way toward allowing me to legally marry in the future, barring any winning appeals from the radical right.

I'm sure anti-gay lawyers have already completed their appellate briefs and are ready to file their vitriolic responses. Until then, I remain hopeful and determined to someday legally marry the girl of my dreams.

Thursday, March 03, 2005

Bang A Gong, Get It On

Wow, nothing like "The Sex Album" for getting in the mood.

When I was in high school it was all about makin' out to Led Zeppelin. Nowadays, with kids lacking imagination, you have to hit them over the head with the real thing.

Jessica Vale, a New York Artist, has released an album called, appropriately, "The Sex Album," which is made up almost entirely of, well, the sounds of people gettin' it on. Vale stated that it's more than just moans and screams, rather "We really wanted to make an album that you can dance to at a club."

Wednesday, March 02, 2005

Nobody Move or the Salad Gets It!

Man Tasered By Police In Salad Bar Dispute

Check this out! I've eaten at Chuck E. Cheese and it is so not worth getting tasered over!

Here's the story from The Denver Channel:
AURORA, Colo. -- Aurora police have reviewed a weekend incident in which a man accused of stealing salad from a Chuck E. Cheese salad bar was hit with a stun gun twice by officers and said that proper procedures were followed.

Police talked to the Chuck E. Cheese manager who told them that a customer had refused to show proof that he had paid for food. The manager said the man was seen "loading" his plate at the salad bar.

See link above for the whole, sordid story.

Thursday, February 24, 2005

Crappy Bus Service

Thank God I don't live in Arizona. If I lived there and I drove as poorly as I do here (and how could my driving skills possibly improve simply by crossing state lines?) I'd undoubtedly have to rely on public transportation. Sun City, Arizona apparently didn't think it was at all odd to name their transit system SCAT (Sun Cities Area Transit System). See link above.

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

A New Ideology of Evil

The pope, in his new book, declared gay marriage part of "a new ideology of evil" that is insidiously threatening society. He stated "It is legitimate and necessary to ask oneself if this is not perhaps part of a new ideology of evil, perhaps more insidious and hidden, which attempts to pit human rights against the family and against man." He then drooled and wet his gown. Poor guy. Can't he be forced into early, er, exceedingly late retirement? And how does one pit "human" rights against the rights of "man?" Apparently human rights are part of those "special" rights we're always clamoring on about.